Here I am, up again at 3 am. I have heard it said that it’s the hour at which there is the most activity in the spiritual realm. I often find myself wide awake, with a pressing desire to pray and spend time with my Creator and in His Word.

Before I had a huge healing from the Lord two years ago, I would wake up often with conviction, which I relayed as condemnation and hopelessness. I felt loss in a world that was set out to get me.

Growing up in a small Louisiana town. My mother and father were both professing believers, but their lives told a different story, and we were raised as such; that came with much confusion. With that being said, my grandparents made sure we were in our Southern Baptist home church every Sunday we were allowed, and I praise God for the influence they’ve had on my life.

My home life was anything but perfect. I had two younger brothers, and we spent most of our days dodging thrown punches and words that tended to cut deeper than a punch ever could. I could tell you stories of abuse that look/sound like something you would watch on a Lifetime movie screen. My dad always used scripture as a mechanism of control. He diluted the truth of the gospel to fit whatever need he had that day. Usually, it was to keep us quiet and compliant. I always put myself in the position of truth teller and fixer, so I often found myself in the hot seat.

My family saw me as defiant and angry, and teachers saw me as a burden. Friends at church and at school saw me as the dirty girl who had nothing. And I, well, I believed it all. I believed my value was lower than anyone, worthless, well, maybe worth the cost of a pack of hot dogs, but that’s a story for another time, perhaps, one I’ll never even share. Point is, my identity for years had been wrapped up in lies the enemy used to control me, trick me, and keep me stuck in pain and anger that led me down a path of my own destruction by way of self-mutilation (an eating disorder, we will come back to that another day), self-sabatog, in so many ways, which include a laundry list of failed relationships and painful memories. As well as sin patterns that I found myself stuck in and unable to break free from. I was helpless.

I now know, after several divine encounters with Jesus and healing, that those lies can no longer hold me back from the truth of who I am in Christ. I am a forgiven, loved, and seen child of God. That’s probably enough of my story for one night, but I hope you’ll stick with me and read along as I share some of my most painful memories and yet the redemption of God’s great love and how He restored little broken me and put me back together. Of course, I am still a work in progress, but because of Jesus, I will never be the same.

If you are up at 3am and you can’t sleep, feeling lonely, condemned, broken, hurt, sad, I encourage you to talk to your creator. He wants to hear from you, and no matter how far you’ve gone, He will loves YOU!

“Perhaps this is the moment for which you have been created.” Esther 4:14